you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
