Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
