It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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