So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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