ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
