So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
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