it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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