i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize