So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
