when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
