I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Randomize
