fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize