all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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