True but thats because hes a fetus.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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