there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
