I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
