you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
