Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
