It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
