Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
