meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
