The maid of honor just puked.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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