I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
