if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
