we have officially lost it.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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