I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
