Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
