i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
