just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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