you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
