Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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