I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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