You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
