All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
