Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
