Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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