yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
