My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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