I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
