omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
