I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The air was thick with penises
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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