I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
