Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
