He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Holy sore nipples Batman
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
