I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
