I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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