that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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