I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
