i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize