pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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