Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
