im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
