just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize