I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
this just has baby written all over it
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize