Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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