I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
