do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
