well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
